Internet Marvel: The Letter Generator
by Psyche Eros
Summary: The twins discovered another fun prank on the Net. Their only flaw was trying it out on none other than Kyoya Ootori. :!WARNING--AUTHOR ON CRACK!:


Haruhi was on her way to the Host Club that day to discover Kaoru and Hikaru lurking around in the corridors. She approached them.

"Is something going on that I should know about?"

"Oh nothing," they said quietly.

But when the two grinned out of the blue, the wry expression sliding onto their faces, Haruhi assumed that they had done something. Noticing the look on her face, Kaoru and Hikaru carefully put their innocent smile on.

"It's just that Tono won't be joining the Host Club today, that's all," Hikaru shrugged.

"What's wrong with Tamaki-senpai? What have you done?"

"He's just suffering from some trauma," Kaoru told her. "Only, probably more than his usual corner-of-woe- kind of depression."

The Hitachiins looked at each other. "Kyoya-senpai's probably figured it out by now," Hikaru said somewhat nervously. His twin nodded.

"We'd love to stay and chat, but we gotta jet!"

And before Haruhi could say anything more, she was left in a cloud of dust. Since she was used to the twins' weird antics, she just shook it off.

--

When Haruhi entered the Third Music Room, she noticed that the air hung thick with something she couldn't quite put a finger on. First of all, there were no customers. Next, Honey wasn't eating cake. Oh, and who could ignore the fact that everyone was acting as if someone had died?

"Kyoya-senpai?" she began tentatively, but he was too busy with his laptop.

Haruhi still felt as if she was missing something. "Why does it feel like somebody's funeral in here?"

"Because it soon will be!"

Kyoya had stood up from his chair so violently that he nearly toppled the table over. The bespectacled young man was fuming and began giving off a dark air of pure evil. He was practically shaking with inexplicable rage; Haruhi found it quite a terrifying sight to behold.

"Eh, Kyoya-sen…?"

Haruhi watched as he made a mad dash for the door, yelling the twins' names and various other things that a proper Ootori son should never say.

"Alright, what the hell happened here?" she asked the air.

Honey and Mori beckoned her to draw near.

"Earlier today, Tama-chan got a letter on the club website," Honey explained. "It was posted for everyone to see. And, well…"

He gave a pointed glance at his cousin who walked over to Kyoya's now empty table. He picked through the papers and took a sheet, holding it gingerly and averting his gaze from it. He handed it to Haruhi.

She scanned through it quickly and dropped it as if her hands were burned.

"That's impossible! Kyoya-senpai would never—"

"Kyo-chan didn't do it," Honey said simply.

She was still skeptical. "Then who…"

"Ah, but you're forgetting who's in charge of the club website, Haru-chan."

She thought, then it hit her.

And suddenly it explained everything.

--

_Dear Thimble Dick,_

_By the time you read this, I'll be hocking your jewelry. I'm sorry for doing this but, it fulfills my sadistic fantasies. I know this might comes as a bit of a shock to you - especially because you're an emotional cripple. But I'm sorry – I just need hot sex with someone who isn't a human potato sack. I think you're a schmuck, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a German Scat Aficionado, and I'm vastly superior to you. You like boudoir role-playing, you eat inorganic produce, and enjoy defrauding the elderly, and I don't like any of these things. Your favorite movie is Glitter, and your favorite band is N-Sync. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Shiny". Anyway, I want to date the first drunk barfly who'll talk to me. But you know what? I still want to be dead to you. We can totally forget the other is alive. We had some good times, or so it looks on the videotape (even though I'm passed out). But please, don't despair like last time. That means no botched suicide attempts. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the $37,229 you owe me, or the fact that you auctioned our love child. So take care of yourself - and choke on your own vomit._

_Eat shit, _

_Kyoya_

_P.S. I faked every orgasm._

--

Somewhere in the world, the most inhumane execution was being prepared for two auburn-haired boys by a much angered demon.

* * *

**A/N: Gomenasai. i just couldn't help it--I had to get the randomness out of my system!! xD**

**It's my first crack-ish fic. And trust me, I barely write stuff like this. **

**Anyway, if you didn't get it, the twins gave Tamaki a letter from a letter generator (I'm sure you've heard of those; quite fun, actually). Then they framed Kyoya for everything. **

**If you're wondering, I actually did use a real generator here... **

**x) ...sigh. Okay. I'm fine now. Maybe I can make a real story now that I've managed to get this out of my head. **

**l  
l  
V**


End file.
